The Light
Miles-“They’re taught to play off the 4i. But what about the rest of the line? What if they miss? What about the linebackers? Why would I run into an unblocked man? Like, use your eyes. You can’t play football looking through a straw.”
Drew, shaking his head-“He’s so smart, man.”
The truth is…I think I’m the only person who ever understood my dad. I know my mom loved him. I know my brother hated him. And my sister was just too young to have any kind of definitive stance on him.
You know a little bit about how I grew up. If it wasn’t everyone ignoring each other, it was yelling. I got my ass beat damn near everyday. I couldn’t wear shorts to school because everyone would see the welts and bruises on the back of my legs. He hit my mom. Regularly. I served him drinks, cleaned the blood he spat up, found his dead body…I could go on and on. It changed me, shaped me, killed my childhood.
About two years after Asia was born, your mother and I decided to try to have another baby. Your mom didn’t have the easiest pregnancy, so we weren’t sure if having another one was the best idea. I always wanted a bunch of kids, but I fully supported your mom. That was a decision that we needed to be in complete agreeance. It was tough time. The thought of Asia being an only child didn’t sit well with your mother. She changed her mind. Asia needed a partner in crime, and we didn’t want a huge age gap between you two.
We tried for a while, but it didn’t work. Time passed. Still nothing. Maybe it wasn’t in the cards. Two more years. It was rough having to accept that we weren’t going to have more children. I spent the better part of my life obsessed with being a better father than my dad. I was heartbroken. Then…the RKO outta nowhere! It happened. You happened.
I know I’ve never really put this directly into words to you. You’re my favorite person ever. From the day you were born. Ever.
I talk to you everyday. Almost everyday. Correction…I get to talk to you almost everyday. Since the very beginning. Before you could even speak, I’d have these long conversations with you. It felt like you were listening. But then again, I speak to Bo the Dog like he’s listening.
Did I give you enough time? I could have been anything, anything at all, but teaching called me. It felt like honorable work. There’s a sacrifice in providing a service to others. A cost to being the best teacher and coach I could be. The price is time. Time with other people’s kids. Was it worth it? Another one of those things that was driven by my father. He was so damn smart, man. I think he would have loved teaching.
Luckily, you loved being at work with me. Whether we were at practice everyday or watching film on the weekends, you jumping in the drills, soaking in all of the coaching, asking me a thousand questions, but…was it football, was it spending time with me, or was it both?
Regardless, it provided us a shared space to nurture our relationship. The thing is most people don’t see it for what it is. They don’t get to see the GIFs, memes, movie quotes, song lyrics, head nods, the smirks. They don’t know about Batman in the rain, Mystery Men, Roll Bounce, Banned from TV, Ambition, doofs checking their phones and having convos in movie theaters, Tony Soprano checking Richie Aprile, Jake farting bare ass, kimchi jjigae, Catfish Basket, Bruce Leroy…what?! (And Taco Cabana is still way better than Taco Palenque!) They always get it wrong. They think that I’m a sport parent and you’re a sport kid. A former player who tried to live out a dream career through his son who believed he needed to prove his worth and football was the only way to garner his dad’s love and attention. That I was some unrelenting, maniacal whip cracker (that’s actually where the term “cracker” comes from) who drove his son to succeed no matter the price. If they only knew. We’re interstellar. Not time, not space, not gravity. Our bond wasn’t made good because of football. The football was made magical because of our bond. It was our love.
Love isn’t always easy. In fact, if it’s that rare love, it’s never easy. My temper, man. Only a few people have truly witnessed it. Unfortunately, you have. Something my father gave me that I couldn’t shake. Confined in a dark purgatory but ignites at a moment’s notice like a blast furnace. It really does feel like my soul is on fire. You know. I hate it. God, I hate it. And I’m sorry for the times it came out.
Did you ever feel that I shorted you anything? You went to 2 different preschool programs, 2 elementary schools, 3 middle schools, and 2 high schools. It was always us two, and for me, us two was something great. But was that enough for you? I ask because of the divorce. Family holidays, vacations, traditions…I never really had any of those things so they don’t occupy any space in my head when it comes to me. But with you, there’s a ghost that haunts me from time to time wondering if I gave you enough. I see how Aliyah’s people give you that part, something different from our family dynamic. I hope that they can fill any voids you missed with me.
Being your dad is something I don’t ever take for granted. There are things in my life that I’m still trying to work through. The working through part was happening while simultaneously raising you. The reality is that you helped raise me.
There’s a huge difference between intention and execution. Meant to is a far cry from did. My intention has always been to be the best for you. My execution has been mutt at times. What a mess I am. Here’s a thought though that I’ve danced with lately…God gave us reason, choice, and the promise of an afterlife. Has my life been what heaven is for my dad? Is your life my heaven? You’re the most intelligent, hard working, insightful, strong, cool, competitive, funny, fearless, thoughtful person I’ve ever known. I hope I’ve been a good dad to you. You’ve always been and forever will be the best son to me.
